It's ok to cry

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before--more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.” 
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

I got home last night and I just felt sad. My strength was fading, I felt hopeless. This has not been my normal but after so many ups and downs, I felt as if I was beginning to be defeated.  I sat in the beautiful new glider I  got for my beautiful new baby and looked around at all of the gifts everyone had gotten me. I thought, "will he  ever wear this cute outfit? will he ever sit in this swing? Will he ever rest in this crib?" The thoughts overcame me and I had a good cry. My Mom and Kyle were really comforting and optimistic and pulled me out of my "funk". It was a hard night not knowing what the morning would bring. My strength and courage began to re emerge as I reminded myself of this experience and all of the special moments I have had with Finn, the closeness I feel to my husband and the love I have from all of my friends and family. I felt better and I felt stronger.....Then I felt hungry!

My co-workers and friends have been so generous and supportive. They coordinated a giant sign up list for people to bring food. It's funny how food is so amazing in a time of crisis. I would have never thought. The first meal was from our friends Luke and Jill (and their sweet little one, Nora). They brought an awesome spread of hot spicy cheese bread, delicious barley soup, fresh fruit and an entire cheese cake. They even sent treats for Bernie and Nora's favorite book for Finn! My heart is so full from all of these gestures. They mean so much to us, more than everyone will ever know.

Another positive of the evening was that we brought Bernie home. Our dear friends Brian and Kari had been watching him over the last week and I had not seen him in 3 weeks!  Seeing him was so refreshing and it really boosted my spirits. He's such a good boy and I'm so glad we have Bernard to keep our spirits up.

Skip to this morning......after an un-eventful night (believe me, I called....a couple times) Finn pulled through. He began weaning down his oxygen requirements and they are working on getting him off some of the medications that keep his blood pressure up. Per the surgeons, we are not out of the woods, but he has found a happy place. No leaking from the hole in his trachea is evident and he is moving his fingers and toes..... Did I mention that I love his fingers and toes? ;)

They also put Finn under a bili light to help with his jaundice. They put some sweet shades on to shield his sensitive eyes from light. I thought he was particularly cute in these....

The plan from here is to see how he does over the weekend. IF he does well with minimal issues, they will take him back to the operating room Monday to put his bowel back together, put a scope and look in his esophagus, and put a feeding tube directly into his stomach. We definitely aren't out of the woods yet but maybe we are sitting by a sparkling spring in the woods enjoying the peaceful sway of the trees.