“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. ” - Paulo Coelho
Grief is such a complicated part of life.....we all deal with it differently and I cope best by talking about my sadness and learning from it. As I look on the past few months and what has happened in our lives, I can't help but examine what beautiful lessons we have learned. Life IS a lesson. My grief is still real and still strong and still palpable but I have an internal gauge on my own healing. For example....now, when I go to Target and see new mothers with their new healthy babies, I do not feel like someone just punched me in the gut - making it hard to breathe. I feel as if that is a sign that something is healing (although quite strange, I know) or when I look at some of Finn's mementos I do not feel anxiety or panic - only peace (although there are some I have not quite opened yet).
I feel as if I am truly (one day at a time) trying to reach my new normal. I am inspired by a story of loss by Emily Rapp and her braveness. Her son, Ronan, died of Tay Sach's disease. She describes thoughts I have so vividly in her blog, ourlittleseal.worldpress.com:
" I am still a mess (who isn’t?), but I am no longer hysterical, and when I am hysterical, it doesn’t lasts for hours and hours. One hour once a month seems to be the new pattern, the new normal. I am an altered person, a new person, both better, I guess, and worse, I suppose, than I once was, than I used to be. My life is not exactly the way I’d like it to be (is anyone’s? And how do we know? How would we recognize our “right life” and how long would it last?), but I feel closer to the person I’m trying to be, which is a person who is not governed by fear, even if it’s impossible, even unreasonable, not to live alongside it. Living the biggest, fullest life possible is a responsibility I believe has been given to me because Ronan never had a chance to make any decisions about what kind of life he may have wanted to live."
She has a beautiful book out called, "The Still Point of the Turning World". This book speaks to me. Writing was her therapy in her blog and I have to agree that writing is very therapeutic (and so is a good book, I'm learning)!
I am planning to go back to work this coming Monday. I have had many people ask me if I'm ready to return to work - When is anyone really ready to do anything? Just pick up the pieces and move forward with my chin up......although we will see how well I can do that my first couple of days. I have a supportive "family" of co-workers that the closer my first day back gets the better I feel about it.
My constant right now is exercise and yoga. I know when I do those two things I feel better. I feel better about myself, my body and I feel as if I am better able to cope with anything....like I'm superwoman! (ok, maybe not that dramatic but it does help). I am focused on really healthy eating and taking care of myself right now and it feels really good....like something I can control....whether that is good or bad....
I will leave you with one more excerpt from Emily Rapp's blog that is so real and true to my life, "The person who loves me keeps hands that are strong but not insistent on my shoulders; hands that ask for nothing but what is unfolding; hands that truly hold. I feel, as that moment opens, so truly alive that I am surprised that the world doesn’t burst open: a perfect mix of bottomless sadness and heart-swelling joy. I am filled with a complicated hope, which may be, I believe, the essence of love."
oh, and I can't help but give you a picture of Bernard :) Have a Happy Easter Everyone!
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