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“I have come to a point in my life where there is nothing more important to me than my own growth.  I have three boys whom I love dearly.  They are my greatest joy.  Yet my own growth is still more important to me. How can I say that?  Because if I don’t grow; they suffer. If I don’t grow; the people I work with suffer.  In a sense, if I don’t grow, the world suffers, because we are all interconnected and impact one another in powerful ways. We have two choices:  We grow or we die.  It’s that simple.

Growth is forward movement; anything else is stagnation, or worse, regression. I would even go so far as to say that growth is the answer to the age old question of the meaning of life. It's the whole point of our journey: to grow and evolve so we can remove all the parts of ourselves that keep us from living in the light, living from our essence, living as our authentic selves. When you remove the blocks, you create flow in your life and go into new thresholds of personal potential. That is the goal and growth is the only way to get there."

 

Baron Baptiste, Journey into Power

Wow! I can't believe I'm already on week 3 of being back to work. The transition was a lot smoother than I thought it would be. I just love my supportive co-workers. They really helped make coming back to work easier.

Kyle and I are slowly returning to our routines.... Our new Normal.  As part of working off the "baby weight," I have been attending yoga class at least once a week. The quote above was recited at the last class I went to with Kyle from my favorite teacher. It seemed very appropriate for our current situation and was honestly quite inspiring. We have grown from our experience and we have become different and, dare I say, better people, friends, sons, daughters, etc because of it.

One of my BEST friends from Arkansas, Lindsay, came to visit last weekend. When she got here it felt like I had never moved so far away - that we were just able to pick up where we left off last time I saw her. That is a true friend.

I didn't realize how much I needed her here until she was with me. We talked and laughed and cried and ate and shopped....

I really don't know how I could have made it through without friends like Lindsay. She is truly a special person - and a great shopping partner! I just love her so much....so does Bernie :)

We are very blessed.

Anywho....just a little update. We are keeping ourselves quite busy these days - Kyle and I took a sausage making class, I am signing up for sewing classes with friends, experimenting with different foods, etc.

Spring is hopefully around the corner (I think it's technically supposed to be here by now) and we are finding our own growth from our own experiences thanks to our sweet Finnegan -  I hope y'all are, too!

See you soon!

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” 
― William Shakespeare

A thought on grief....

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. ” - Paulo Coelho

Grief is such a complicated part of life.....we all deal with it differently and I cope best by talking about my sadness and learning from it. As I look on the past few months and what has happened in our lives,  I can't help but examine what beautiful lessons we have learned. Life IS a lesson.  My grief is still real and still strong and still palpable but I have an internal gauge on my own healing. For example....now, when I go to Target and see new mothers with their new healthy babies, I do not feel like someone just punched me in the gut - making it hard to breathe. I feel as if that is a sign that something is healing (although quite  strange, I know) or when I look at some of Finn's mementos I do not feel anxiety or panic - only peace (although there are some I have not quite opened yet).

I feel as if I am truly (one day at a time) trying to reach my new normal. I am inspired by a story of loss by Emily Rapp and her braveness. Her son, Ronan,  died of Tay Sach's disease.  She describes thoughts I have so vividly in her blog, ourlittleseal.worldpress.com:

 " I am still a mess (who isn’t?), but I am no longer hysterical, and when I am hysterical, it doesn’t lasts for hours and hours. One hour once a month seems to be the new pattern, the new normal. I am an altered person, a new person, both better, I guess, and worse, I suppose, than I once was, than I used to be. My life is not exactly the way I’d like it to be (is anyone’s? And how do we know? How would we recognize our “right life” and how long would it last?), but I feel closer to the person I’m trying to be, which is a person who is not governed by fear, even if it’s impossible, even unreasonable, not to live alongside it. Living the biggest, fullest life possible is a responsibility I believe has been given to me because Ronan never had a chance to make any decisions about what kind of life he may have wanted to live."

She has a beautiful book out called, "The Still Point of the Turning World". This book  speaks to me. Writing was her therapy in her blog and I have to agree that writing is very therapeutic (and so is a good book, I'm learning)!

I am planning to go back to work this coming  Monday. I have had many people ask me if I'm ready to return to work - When is anyone really ready to do anything? Just pick up the pieces and move forward with my chin up......although we will see how well I can do that my first couple of days. I have a supportive "family" of co-workers that the closer my first day back gets the better I feel about it. 

My constant right now is exercise and yoga. I know when I do those two things I feel better. I feel better about myself, my body and I feel as if I am better able to cope with anything....like I'm superwoman! (ok, maybe not that dramatic but it does help). I am focused on really healthy eating and taking care of myself right now and it feels really good....like something I can control....whether that is good or bad....

I will leave you with one more excerpt from Emily Rapp's blog that is so real and true to my life, "The person who loves me keeps hands that are strong but not insistent on my shoulders; hands that ask for nothing but what is unfolding; hands that truly hold. I feel, as that moment opens, so truly alive that I am surprised that the world doesn’t burst open: a perfect mix of bottomless sadness and heart-swelling joy. I am filled with a complicated hope, which may be, I believe, the essence of love." 

oh, and I can't help but give you a picture of Bernard :)  Have a Happy Easter Everyone!

Thankful

“It's easier to take than to give. It's nobler to give than to take. The thrill of taking lasts a day. The thrill of giving lasts a lifetime.” 
― Joan Marques

Words cannot express how very thankful we are for each and every one of you who donated to the Children's Heart Foundation. I received a letter in the mail yesterday with your names and a total donation amount of $3,180! The Children's Heart Foundation tells me there are even more donations coming in in memory of Finn and they will continue sending me those names. It brings tears to my eyes to know so many of you have donated in honor of Finnegan.

The gifts you all gave with help aid in the Children's Heart Foundation's mission to fund research to advance the diagnosis, treatment, and the prevention of congenital heart defects, the world's most prevalent and deadly birth defect. We couldn't be more overwhelmed with your kindness. Thank you all for giving to this great cause!

plans

Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy. ~Author Unknown


Life continues on. We think of Finn every day and miss seeing his little toes and hands and feet and face...... such a sweet face he had.  I still cry over losing Finn but there are many times where I smile in his memory. He has touched so many people and my heart fills with joy thinking of the impact he has had during his short time with us. We are so very proud in our sadness.

We had a rush of immediate family in this past week to see us. People who say family heals are correct. It was just their presence that helped us through some tough days and gave us strength to see the hard days ahead. They were here for us in our greatest need and there is no way we could be more fortunate than to call them family. They also were here to help us eat a lot of food. 

 I will say that food is quite healing as well :) We have eaten some amazing meals prepared by some dear friends here in Madison and even food sent to us in the form of gift cards by friends from far away.  This was a huge thing for us as we have not felt like cooking (or cleaning for that matter).  Our house is also full of beautiful, fragrant flowers and they bring such cheer to our home on sad days. Bernie likes to enjoy them, too...

Finn's ashes will be with us this week. We chose cremation for him and we were thinking of the best place for him to rest. We chose Yosemite National Park in California. It is one of the most beautiful and peaceful places we have ever been.  

Since our last visit to the park, we had dreams of taking family vacations to Yosemite when we had children - taking walks in the valley, hiking to beautiful waterfalls, enjoying the silence of the mountains......

Now after this important trip and in the future when we visit we know our first born will be there with us. Always.
  

Time to heal

“Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.” 
― David Richo

First day without Finn. We feel an empty void that will never be replaced. I can't bring myself to open the nursery door and look at all his sweet things yet. I know that will get easier. We are trying to keep ourselves busy and will have many of our family members visit us soon. We are looking forward to some much needed family time. Kyle's Mom has been such a support for us through this time as she has been in Madison with us. We were so glad she was here last night as a shoulder to cry on and she has been such an enormous help to us. So thankful.

We've had a lot of people ask what they can do for our family during this time. We've been thinking that the best thing would be to help medical research for babies and children with congenital heart disease as this was what we had known Finn had at 20 weeks. Knowing he had a heart problem was the first part of this journey and it hits close to home for us.
  CHD is one of the leading congenital problems in babies (close to 1 in 100) - Finn's poor little heart added a level of complexity to his life and medical care that was ultimately devastating.

 If you want to help, we would love for you to donate in Finnegan's name to the Children's Heart Foundation: http://www.childrensheartfoundation.org/donate-now  Your donations would go toward research that specifically targets congenital heart disease.

A donation would mean the world to us and we would love to have our son recognized for his strength and fight during his short time here.

Thank you again to everyone for their support.

Special moment with our sweet Finny

Sad News

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” 
― Leo Tolstoy

It is always surprising to me how fast things change - in the blink of an eye.
The roller coaster that has been our lives for exactly one month today has come to an end. After such good news this morning, Kyle and I went home to have some lunch and wait out a big snowstorm that was coming down on Madison today.
I got a call from one of our favorite nurses around 5:30pm. She said Finn's lungs had both completely collapsed after his bronch, he had not urinated for 18 hours, he was needing more blood pressure support and they were getting a stat echo. She said we should come to the hospital.

We dropped everything and drove in the 7 inches of snow to the hospital. The fear and anxiety in both of us was palpable - we knew what we were walking into but it just hurt to think about.

When we got there, we were greeted by 2 of the neonatologists that have taken care of Finn. The nurses and nurse practitioner were working on Finn and they all had such a sad look on their faces. After talking to the doctors and thinking about everything Finn has been through and what he faces in the future - we made one of the most difficult decisions of our lives. We decided that he did not need to suffer any more. Finn was telling us he was ready and he was tired.

Finnegan passed away on March 5, 2013 a little over 2 weeks old. The sadness we have felt is so overwhelming that it hurts our hearts. I cannot describe our grief but I can say that we are at peace knowing Finn is in a better place now and he will not suffer any longer.

We know this was not an easy night for just us. The NICU team, anesthesiologists and surgeons who worked tirelessly to save Finn's life were grieving as well. I just have to say that we are so thankful for their skills and knowledge. Without them, we would not have been able to spend the past 2 weeks and live some special moments with our sweet son.

Thanks to everyone who has sent up prayers, well wishes, good karma, happy thoughts, etc and to everyone who has sent cards and been so generous with bringing food. It for sure helped make this beautiful experience somewhat easier.

 Our son, the fighter. He will always be remembered in our hearts and we will think about him every day for the rest of our lives.

The calm after the storm

“Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.” 
― Mother Teresa


Finn, Finn, Finn. He is the strongest little thing I have ever seen. I don't know if Kyle and I have ever experienced so many emotions at one time. It is truly exhausting.
He did so well with the bronch that the doctors came back smiling. They were able to suck out a giant mucous plug in his left main bronchus that is now hopefully going to allow him to breathe better. I have no idea how he does it but little Finn has the drive of no baby I have ever seen (I may be a little bias).

Before the procedure - because we did not know what the end would bring - the nurses allowed us to pick Finn up and hold him. I could not stop kissing his little swollen head and holding his little swollen hand. I knew it would be but it was one of the most emotional and special times of my life. I will never forget it.

He still has a long way to go but we will take today's  news and hold onto it as long as we can. One day at a time....he is our little miracle.