New Beginnings

“If you are joyful, do not worry about lukewarmness. Joy will shine in your eyes and in your look, in your conversation and in your countenance. You will not be able to hide it because joy overflows.” 
― Mother Teresa

It's been a while since my last blog post. A lot has been going on with settling into our new house and, after saying goodbye to our precious Bernie Bear,  welcoming our new dog Roscoe!

This guy is a lot of work but overall good boy

The big news these days is that Kyle and I have recently learned that we are expecting TWINS  November 13th this year!

Not the best picture but here are the little peanuts :)

We were expecting to go in and have a singleton ultrasound and much to our surprise, we were informed there was not one.... but two babies! I do believe there was constant laughter - uncontrollable laughter..... but it was awesome (and somewhat frightening) news!

Who knew my Mom's side of the family had so many twins.... not to mention there is already a set of precious Stacey twins already in our family! We are going to have quite a clan! This news comes with so much joy. My heart is so full.
I'm off to take a nap and eat....again :)

Until next time!!

Another year young!

“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.” 
― Sophia Loren


It's been a while since I posted and I am needing to catch up!

First, the big news - we bought a new house! We have been wanting to move to a more "walkable" area and really experience Madison for quite some time. Since we had such a hard first of the year, we thought we could use a change.....and this is a big one!  We bought a 1928 craftsman bungalow a block from the lake and near some awesome restaurants. I can't wait to move into this newly restored home and keep up what the current owners  have done. It is an amazing place and I am so fortunate to have the opportunity to live there.

Our beautiful new home.

We couldn't be more excited to move in just a few short weeks! We were a little nervous about selling our current home but - it sold within a week! Not too shabby  :)   thanks for your help, Leslie the Realtor - you did an awesome job!
Bernie liked going on frequent outings during showings...

went to the "dog wash" during a showing one day

I have to admit - I am a little sad to move out of the house we have lived in for the past 8 years.... Our first home is full of memories with family, friends, and Bernie.:) I am going to have to take those memories with me and enjoy an amazing new home to make memories in as well!

Our First Home.

This weekend was my 31st birthday. I love having a birthday near a holiday weekend. We had such a great time and also got a lot of packing done.

I have to admit that 31 is looking up! We had such a great weekend full of grilled meats by Kyle, golf, good friends, delicious food, fun cocktails, stand up paddle boarding, driving by our new house multiple times so I can gawk at it, and a 30 mile bike ride!  The only thing missing was my family and I always miss them during days like this - but I will see them very soon, too!
Whew! I'm exhausted!!  :-)

The bike ride included a downtown exploration and a ride by our house. Seemed like a good idea at the time but it really was a long way!

About 15 miles in....Great view, though!

Golf on the 4th of July was also a great time. We had a good game of 9 holes and I hope to get back on the course soon....mostly because I need a LOT more practice :)

Looking forward to my lessons next week - I was a little rusty...

So far, things are going very well and we couldn't have asked for a better place to live in order to heal and move forward with what our life will give us next. I know I am thankful for another year of good health, of what we have, what we have experienced, and what we can look forward to in the years ahead. Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes and to helping brighten my already shining day!

The Definition of a Mother

“The mother memories that are closest to my heart are the small gentle ones that I have carried over from the days of my childhood. They are not profound, but they have stayed with me through life, and when I am very old, they will still be near . . . Memories of mother drying my tears, reading aloud, cutting cookies and singing as she did, listening to prayers I said as I knelt with my forehead pressed against her knee, tucking me in bed and turning down the light. They have carried me through the years and given my life such a firm foundation that it does not rock beneath flood or tempest.” 
― Margaret Sanger

I have spent some time thinking about the definition of a mother since I became one 3 short months ago. I mistakenly thought that I was not a mother anymore after my child died - who would I have to Mother ? I've come to discover that my thoughts were far from true....

A Mother is an individual who loves their child unconditionally and puts the needs of her child above her own. This child can be given birth to, adopted, someone who needed caring for, or a child that is now gone from this world. The definition is limitless, really. This defines me and many other women  I know.

The love I feel and felt for Finn will always be there and will always be strong. That makes me a Mother still and today I will enjoy thinking about Finn's short life and be thankful I got to meet him. . It doesn't feel like a sad day but a day to enjoy and celebrate!

I will also be thinking of my Mom and my Mother in Law today. Although they are far away and enjoying  warm Arkansas weather, I will enjoy reminiscing about the amazing times (good and bad) we have had so far during my life and the beautiful life we will share ahead. Moms form some of our best memories and help us through some important times. I know mine did.

Cheers to all of the Mothers out there! I hope you all had an amazing day!

Visitors!

“I have come to a point in my life where there is nothing more important to me than my own growth.  I have three boys whom I love dearly.  They are my greatest joy.  Yet my own growth is still more important to me. How can I say that?  Because if I don’t grow; they suffer. If I don’t grow; the people I work with suffer.  In a sense, if I don’t grow, the world suffers, because we are all interconnected and impact one another in powerful ways. We have two choices:  We grow or we die.  It’s that simple.

Growth is forward movement; anything else is stagnation, or worse, regression. I would even go so far as to say that growth is the answer to the age old question of the meaning of life. It's the whole point of our journey: to grow and evolve so we can remove all the parts of ourselves that keep us from living in the light, living from our essence, living as our authentic selves. When you remove the blocks, you create flow in your life and go into new thresholds of personal potential. That is the goal and growth is the only way to get there."

 

Baron Baptiste, Journey into Power

Wow! I can't believe I'm already on week 3 of being back to work. The transition was a lot smoother than I thought it would be. I just love my supportive co-workers. They really helped make coming back to work easier.

Kyle and I are slowly returning to our routines.... Our new Normal.  As part of working off the "baby weight," I have been attending yoga class at least once a week. The quote above was recited at the last class I went to with Kyle from my favorite teacher. It seemed very appropriate for our current situation and was honestly quite inspiring. We have grown from our experience and we have become different and, dare I say, better people, friends, sons, daughters, etc because of it.

One of my BEST friends from Arkansas, Lindsay, came to visit last weekend. When she got here it felt like I had never moved so far away - that we were just able to pick up where we left off last time I saw her. That is a true friend.

I didn't realize how much I needed her here until she was with me. We talked and laughed and cried and ate and shopped....

I really don't know how I could have made it through without friends like Lindsay. She is truly a special person - and a great shopping partner! I just love her so much....so does Bernie :)

We are very blessed.

Anywho....just a little update. We are keeping ourselves quite busy these days - Kyle and I took a sausage making class, I am signing up for sewing classes with friends, experimenting with different foods, etc.

Spring is hopefully around the corner (I think it's technically supposed to be here by now) and we are finding our own growth from our own experiences thanks to our sweet Finnegan -  I hope y'all are, too!

See you soon!

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” 
― William Shakespeare

A thought on grief....

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. ” - Paulo Coelho

Grief is such a complicated part of life.....we all deal with it differently and I cope best by talking about my sadness and learning from it. As I look on the past few months and what has happened in our lives,  I can't help but examine what beautiful lessons we have learned. Life IS a lesson.  My grief is still real and still strong and still palpable but I have an internal gauge on my own healing. For example....now, when I go to Target and see new mothers with their new healthy babies, I do not feel like someone just punched me in the gut - making it hard to breathe. I feel as if that is a sign that something is healing (although quite  strange, I know) or when I look at some of Finn's mementos I do not feel anxiety or panic - only peace (although there are some I have not quite opened yet).

I feel as if I am truly (one day at a time) trying to reach my new normal. I am inspired by a story of loss by Emily Rapp and her braveness. Her son, Ronan,  died of Tay Sach's disease.  She describes thoughts I have so vividly in her blog, ourlittleseal.worldpress.com:

 " I am still a mess (who isn’t?), but I am no longer hysterical, and when I am hysterical, it doesn’t lasts for hours and hours. One hour once a month seems to be the new pattern, the new normal. I am an altered person, a new person, both better, I guess, and worse, I suppose, than I once was, than I used to be. My life is not exactly the way I’d like it to be (is anyone’s? And how do we know? How would we recognize our “right life” and how long would it last?), but I feel closer to the person I’m trying to be, which is a person who is not governed by fear, even if it’s impossible, even unreasonable, not to live alongside it. Living the biggest, fullest life possible is a responsibility I believe has been given to me because Ronan never had a chance to make any decisions about what kind of life he may have wanted to live."

She has a beautiful book out called, "The Still Point of the Turning World". This book  speaks to me. Writing was her therapy in her blog and I have to agree that writing is very therapeutic (and so is a good book, I'm learning)!

I am planning to go back to work this coming  Monday. I have had many people ask me if I'm ready to return to work - When is anyone really ready to do anything? Just pick up the pieces and move forward with my chin up......although we will see how well I can do that my first couple of days. I have a supportive "family" of co-workers that the closer my first day back gets the better I feel about it. 

My constant right now is exercise and yoga. I know when I do those two things I feel better. I feel better about myself, my body and I feel as if I am better able to cope with anything....like I'm superwoman! (ok, maybe not that dramatic but it does help). I am focused on really healthy eating and taking care of myself right now and it feels really good....like something I can control....whether that is good or bad....

I will leave you with one more excerpt from Emily Rapp's blog that is so real and true to my life, "The person who loves me keeps hands that are strong but not insistent on my shoulders; hands that ask for nothing but what is unfolding; hands that truly hold. I feel, as that moment opens, so truly alive that I am surprised that the world doesn’t burst open: a perfect mix of bottomless sadness and heart-swelling joy. I am filled with a complicated hope, which may be, I believe, the essence of love." 

oh, and I can't help but give you a picture of Bernard :)  Have a Happy Easter Everyone!

Thankful

“It's easier to take than to give. It's nobler to give than to take. The thrill of taking lasts a day. The thrill of giving lasts a lifetime.” 
― Joan Marques

Words cannot express how very thankful we are for each and every one of you who donated to the Children's Heart Foundation. I received a letter in the mail yesterday with your names and a total donation amount of $3,180! The Children's Heart Foundation tells me there are even more donations coming in in memory of Finn and they will continue sending me those names. It brings tears to my eyes to know so many of you have donated in honor of Finnegan.

The gifts you all gave with help aid in the Children's Heart Foundation's mission to fund research to advance the diagnosis, treatment, and the prevention of congenital heart defects, the world's most prevalent and deadly birth defect. We couldn't be more overwhelmed with your kindness. Thank you all for giving to this great cause!

plans

Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy. ~Author Unknown


Life continues on. We think of Finn every day and miss seeing his little toes and hands and feet and face...... such a sweet face he had.  I still cry over losing Finn but there are many times where I smile in his memory. He has touched so many people and my heart fills with joy thinking of the impact he has had during his short time with us. We are so very proud in our sadness.

We had a rush of immediate family in this past week to see us. People who say family heals are correct. It was just their presence that helped us through some tough days and gave us strength to see the hard days ahead. They were here for us in our greatest need and there is no way we could be more fortunate than to call them family. They also were here to help us eat a lot of food. 

 I will say that food is quite healing as well :) We have eaten some amazing meals prepared by some dear friends here in Madison and even food sent to us in the form of gift cards by friends from far away.  This was a huge thing for us as we have not felt like cooking (or cleaning for that matter).  Our house is also full of beautiful, fragrant flowers and they bring such cheer to our home on sad days. Bernie likes to enjoy them, too...

Finn's ashes will be with us this week. We chose cremation for him and we were thinking of the best place for him to rest. We chose Yosemite National Park in California. It is one of the most beautiful and peaceful places we have ever been.  

Since our last visit to the park, we had dreams of taking family vacations to Yosemite when we had children - taking walks in the valley, hiking to beautiful waterfalls, enjoying the silence of the mountains......

Now after this important trip and in the future when we visit we know our first born will be there with us. Always.